i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
