Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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