Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
