You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
