She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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