Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
