I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
