I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
