i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
