the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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