I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
