My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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