she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
