He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
