Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
