Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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