dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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