i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
