After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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