How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Holy sore nipples Batman
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
