Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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