I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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