ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
