guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
God I need to hump something, right now.
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