I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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