I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
