Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
