dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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