god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
