Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
