Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
this just has baby written all over it
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
