STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
