I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
