going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
