well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
