My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
