why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
