I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
