Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
