I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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