turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
