The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
