ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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