I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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