just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Randomize
