i just wanna soil my oats bro
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
