If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
