She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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