My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
