Cold hands, warm shart.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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